I hope when I am older I don't go
through some sort of brain-warp and decide to hide this from you.
But I figure it's better to get it out now, when you're still
theoretical, so that my mind is still clear.
I don't know how many of you there are.
I don't know if I'll actually get to have you (I mean, I want you,
but still, shit happens). I don't know if you're girls or boys or
genderqueer. I have no clue who you'll be attracted to, or if you'll
experience sexual attraction at all. Please note, if you're asexual
you're still AWESOME. And when I say your sexuality is important, I
mean that your self-identity and self-love are important. If you
don't express that through your genitals nothing is wrong with you! I
just want to make that abundantly clear before we begin.
Now, for a moment, I'm going to ignore
all the “what if”s as much as I can and speak from the heart.
If you're getting this letter now, it
means you're probably exhibiting signs of sexuality in some way.
Either you're attempting to appear “sexy” for the first time,
you're going through puberty, or I awkwardly caught you masturbating
(if I did, I SWEAR I didn't mean to! I don't know future me yet, but
I'm 100% sure she feels really bad for intruding on your privacy if
this happened). Maybe you're going on your first date. And I
realize that future me is probably pretty awkward about all this. I
mean, think about it, how would you feel about seeing someone who in
your mind will always be “wittle baby” looking or acting sexy for
the first time? But please, don't mistake my awkwardness with
judgment or distrust.
Your sexuality is not bad. It is an
important part of you that you control and it's okay to enjoy it
responsibly. It's a decision you make with another person to engage
in sexual activity. And like trying any new thing, you should
probably think about it first and decide if it's something you really
want. Evaluate your reasons for wanting it. And of course, always
make sure the person you're about to have sex with (or kiss, or do
anything sexual with) also wants to do it. If you're ever, ever in
question about whether your sexual partner wants to do a particular
activity, be sure to ask them. And respect their answer. Even if it
dissapoints you. Even if they were super into it last time. You may
feel hurt that they don't want to have sex with you again, and that's
okay. But do not use it as an excuse to pressure them. And I hope
you choose not to be with people who pressure you.
Because you NEVER have to have sex with
anyone, for any reason, if you don't want to. By the same coin, no
one ever owes you sex either. Sex is an activity that people can
choose to enjoy together. And it can be beautiful. And wonderful.
And fun. And intimate. And silly. And bad (yup, even with a
partner you like!). If you don't enjoy it, I hope you speak up to
your partner. You are allowed to stop if you're not into it. You can
try something else. You can just decide you don't like it. Those
are always your choices. Your partner always has the same right as
well. Sex is best with communication. Talk. Believe me, if you
choose to have sex, talking about it will make it better. Even if
it's super awkward at first.
I am always here if you want to talk
about sex & sexuality. No judgment. And if I get judgy, tell me
that I'm being judgy and that my past self would tell me to stop. As
long as you're not coercing someone into having sex with you or
sleeping with someone significantly younger than you, I'll probably
be okay. Really. Even if I make that surprised or uncomfortable
momface.
And if you're uncomfortable talking to
me about it, it's okay. I understand. Talking to parents about sex
is super awkward. I (23-year old me) am still learning how to talk
about it with my parents (Yup, grandma and I talk about sex. Sit on
THAT for a moment.) You can choose to talk about it or not. With me
or with your peers. And if the person you're talking to is trying to
make you ashamed of your sexual preferences or choices, I'd encourage
you to stop talking to them about it. 'Cause they seem un-nice.
I encourage you to explore your
sexuality with yourself before you explore it with other people. You
can choose to follow this advice or not, but many people find it
helpful. The safest sex you can have is with yourself, after all!
Exactly 0% STD & pregnancy risk with solo masturbation! If you
want a sex toy or lube or something and feel comfortable asking for
one, I'll buy it for you. Really (if it's quite expensive I may make
you pay for it, but I'll help you obtain it. This letter is not a
blank check, devious child of mine!). I want you to be safe &
happy.
You're probably going to have sex.
You're probably going to do it when you're under 18 (I did, at 17).
And I want you to be able to enjoy it. Not everyone has my view of
sexuality. A lot of people have a lot of pretty messed up ideas
about it actually. Maybe, by now, this is better. Maybe it isn't.
You will probably have fights and
breakups and bad times just like everyone else. You may even choose
to have sex with someone I really dislike. And I will try my best to
respect that those are your choices. It is your body. It is your
life. But don't expect me to be quiet about it if I don't approve of
your choices in mates. Because I care about you, and if I think
you're dating someone who isn't good enough for you or is a bad match
I'll try to talk you out of it. 'Cause I'm human. I do it to my
friends too. And if I genuinely think your health and safety are at
risk I reserve the right to step in. But no matter what, I always
love you. Even if you make choices I really disagree with.
There is nothing inherently wrong with
sex. Having sex does not make you good or bad. It does not make you
“cool” or “lame” (or whatever terms you fancy futuristic
theoretical children use for socially-acceptable &
socially-unacceptable). You can choose to have it, or choose not to.
Those things do not affect your worth as a human being at all. They
do not affect the worth of your peers either, no matter what anyone
tells you.
Whether you've never kissed someone or
have slept with 20, that does not affect your value as a person. You
may decide to be promiscuous. You may decide sex is so special to
you that you only want to do it with your life partner. You could
decide you're not into it at all. But that is your choice. And it
does not affect one bit how much I love you. Or how much I respect
you. I want you to be happy and healthy and fulfilled. And your
sexuality will never ever change that.
Much love,
Mom
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